…if you play in the minors.
When it’s time to put your costume on and go back to being a baseball player in the minors, here is what your itinerary will look like.
Night before flight: Attempt to pack 7 months of supplies into two suit cases and one carry on.
4:30 am. Loathsomely awake and on way to airpot.
5:15 am. Check in. Pay fine for overweight baggage.
5:16 Swear to ship extra baggage next year, then remember I said that last year.
5:45. Board Plane.
5:47. Take seat next to Mr. Business Executive.
6:00. Plane leaves, heading for Chicago.
6:15- 7:00. Mr. Bizec strikes up conversation about weather then finds way to twist it back to himself. Mr. Bizec tells about his high profile job, where its taken him, his golf game, his trophy wife, his car, his stock portfolio, and his credit limit. Mr. Bizec sympathetically inquires what I do or a living. I Tell Mr. Bizec I’m a janitor en route to a cleaning convention. Mr. Bizec asks if I am a baseball fan because of the glove in my lap. I inform Mr. Bizec I don’t really care for baseball but my little brother is a huge fan and the glove is a gift from a popular minor leaguer named Dirk Hayhurst. Mr. Bizec tells me he knows him, personally, and consults with him regularly about his career and retirement investments.
7:25. Plane touches down in Chicago. Mr Bizec hands me his card and suggests contacting him for investment advice.
7:27. Throw away aforementioned business card.
7:30. Rush from terminal to terminal like a running back in NFL films.
7:50. Arrive early at next gate. Gate attendants inform passengers the plane will be late because of maintenance. Looking out the window, I see maintenance men crawling into the planes wing side engine hatch with large wrenches. Sparks shoot out of hatch shortly after.
7:58. Gate attendants deny my request to walk the rest of the way to Phoenix, ensuring me the plane “will be in fine working order before take off.”
7:59. Pray.
8:15. Plane still not ready. Waste time in airport bookstore. In attempt to make myself smarter, I pick up a copy of Fortune magazine.
8:15 and thirty seconds… I am halfway through Sports Illustrated Swim Suite Edition.
8 :20 Sift through personalized key chain rack trying to find one with the name Dirk on it.
8:30 Try to convince the barista at Starbucks to fill a cup up with water but mark on it like its an expensive, mixed drink by explaining, “I wanna look cool drinking your product but I don’t want to pay for it.”
9:00 Plane is ready for boarding.
9:05 take seat next to senior couple with “terminator” sun glasses on.
9:15 while waiting at the runway, the Captain, in soft, sedated voice, tells passengers he is sorry for the delay but informs we will “make up lost time in the air.” The Captain’s last statement makes me wonder why, since we can make a 5 hour trip in 4, we would go slower in the first place?
9:30 Senior couple makes second trip to bathroom.
9:45 Senior couple request headphones from stewardess.
9:46 Senior couple cycles through on plane radio channels using the buttons on the armrests.
9:47- 12:00 pm. Senior couple takes off headphones and begins to complain about “todays music.” Couple makes eye contact with me and launches in to union address about “why, in my day, you could understand the lyrics of singers, and the girls didn’t prance around half naked and shameful. Why I can remember a time when…” Couple carries conversation through better half of the trip, stopping frequently to argue over names and dates.
12:00, noon. I have learned everything I have ever wanted to know about Chattanooga Choo-Choo, Hee-Haw, and Lawrence Welk.
1:36 Touch down in Phoenix, head towards baggage claim.
1:45 Check cell phone. My mother has called twice to make sure her “widdle baseball angel” is doing OK.
1:55 Claim bags. Notice my main bag has a large stain on it resembling school cafeteria gravy.
2:00 Heft baggage to curbside and wait for Padres shuttle van.
2:05 Spot returning teammates waiting for Van as well.
2:06 Pass out “man hugs” (part hand shake, part chest bump, part back pat) before Cycling through generic greetings: “How was your off season,” “hows your arm?”, Hows your girl friend/fiance/wife/law suite?”
2:08 Ask if teammate used the “Janitor on his way to a cleaning convention” line during their flight?
2:15 Board Van, head off to 180 days of nonstop baseball.