Dear Ozzie Guillen,
Thank you so much for making my first year in the media that much easier. My radio show practically ran itself with you and your cousin Bobby Valentine working as managers. Furthermore, as long as people like you are in baseball, I have a feeling I will always have something to talk about.
It’s not that you’re a bad manager. In fact, I’d say that if you were listed on a scale showing accomplished tactical managers, you’d be in the top percentile. After all, you have won a world series ring and that’s not something any manger can do. No, what makes working in your era so fun is your absolute lack of a filter. The fact that, at any point in time, there is no stupid to great that you cannot speak it. You’ll selflessly launch into swearing tirades, admire a dictator, tell your players to have surgery or be punished, attack rookies, call out analysts for objective criticism… It’s plain to see that the actual act of managing is the last thing on anyone’s mind when your name is mentioned.
Please, don’t misunderstand my words. I don’t want you to change a thing. I know there are some purists out there who think that you should focus on baseball, care about professionalism, and consider your standing as a role model before speaking. But those people are obviously stuck in the past. They probably don’t even know what The Franchise is. Please, keep treating your station as Major League manager as a chance to go on rants similar to that of pro wrestler monologues. In fact, if you could find a away to have someone run in to your office and attack you with a steel chair—no, wait, even better— if YOU could run into another manager’s office, say, Davey Johnson’s, with a steel chair and attack him during his post game rant… By god, think of the ratings!
In summation I just wanted to say thank you for spearheading the initiative to pull baseball out of it’s archaic ways. Holding on to concepts like “thinking before you speak” have no place in our moderan entertainment landscape. Major League baseball is reality television and it should be treated like it. If baseball is going to continue to survive without steroids and HGH, or soldier on under the tyrannical (some might say, dictator-ish?) rule of instant replay, we’ll need you to draw fire away from actual play because it will simply be to boring to watch. We’ll need you, Ozzie Guillen. We’ll need someone who is unafraid to embrace the title of bigger than the game.
Keep up the good work.