You know what, I hope you read my new book, Out Of My League. Besides the obvious reasons that I want the book to do well, and that it’s my main source of revenue at this juncture, I want you to read it because I have something to say to you through it.
I did an interview today with a radio guy in Texas. I’ve done a lot a radio interviews now, some for books, others for baseball. I’ve done enough to know when a radio man has actually read my stuff, looked up my career, or is just having me on because I’m someone to fill otherwise dead air. I don’t complain, publicity is publicity and I’ll gladly take it. However, in this last interview I was asked about Josh Hamilton. Specifically, what I thought of him and his “being a distraction to his teammates.”
The way it was asked to me was in this joking, leading, players-being-players manner. I knew what he wanted me to say by the way he asked me and I’ll be dammed if I didn’t almost lock up.
I pride myself on being good on air, a great talker, articulate with something insightful always at the ready. I’ve been a fringe talent in pro-baseball all my life so I’ve made sure to sound smart when I got a mic in front of me because there was always the possibility it would become my true future in the sport. But this time I wanted to rant, be personal, damn all the polish to hell, cut out the articulate, assumptive, utterly shallow sound byte creation process and tell this guy to go *^$# himself.
Our culture has a problem with celebrity. Let us call it an addiction since we’re keen on throwing that kind of subject matter around. We tend to obsess over it and project onto it things that aren’t true. It is not a force field. It does not make us supermen to possess it. There is no transformation ceremony as we ascend to Godhood. Why do we constantly think there is? Why do we think people that have money, or fame, or success, should be better than us? Do we honestly believe they are?
Hamilton had a relapse and it’s a distraction? Christ, how do you think he feels? How do you think he feels waking up every day knowing that no matter how well he does on a playing field or how many fans buy his jersey his addiction does not care? It does not stop for money, or fame, or expectations of the sporting obsessed. It does not care that the Rangers almost won the series, and it certainly does not care that you might thinks it’s a distraction.
Life is full of distractions. The worst thing we can do is some how expect it not to be.
Look, my brother is a recovering alcoholic. He will be for the rest of his life. He beat the shit out me when he drank. I had to lie about it at a hospital to avoid having police reports filed. I had to lie about it when the cops showed up at my house and asked me why I was bleeding. I never understood why I couldn’t have him thrown in jail for what he’d done to me, but my family begged me not to, and for their sake, I didn’t.
He’s sober. But now I’m the one with problems. I get depressed. Anxious. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s happening inside me sometimes and it scares the hell out me. Really, it’s terrifying to wake up and not understand how you can have so much success and just feel like there is nothing to live for.
And the worst part of it, the absolute worst part is when you know, because you’ve done well for yourself, you can’t talk to anyone about it because they’ll say to you, “You’re successful, what do you have to feel bad about? Ha, you wanna know real struggle, live my life sometime, pal. Drive a truck for a living. You play a game… you write books… You”— some other line of BS that only makes sense in a world that thinks all that matters star power and fat pay checks.
I’d give it all back to wake up and not feel like I was dying inside. I don’t feel it every day but the days I do, it’s terrible. To put on happy face because the world thinks I should have it and doesn’t understand how I could feel anything but.
I cant speak for Josh, but from what I know of the guy, I’m pretty confident there is a similar battle taking place in his mind. One of expectation, reality, and futility. When things that are supposed to feel great don’t, when the world becomes a place where simple things seem heavenly, and where canned answers are a way of life. Where he can talk about God’s providence one day and then shake his fist at him the next because of life is more full of irony than the analysts make it seem.
For the sake of professionalism, I kept my two sense to myself. I knew I had other ways to express those thought. Better ways. I wrote Out Of My League because I wanted to show people a side of the game that never gets shown. Sure, I want to entertain people, but I want them to know the truth. Not just be told it, but give a chance to feel it. There is some hard material in Out Of My League, hard for me to write and probably hard for you to read.
But that’s why you should read it. Because we’ve gotten soft, and expectant, and disappointed with our hero’s when they act like anything less than heroes. Read it because it shows how a person can collapse under the weight of a dream realized, when the strength we thought we were supposed to get along with the title isn’t really there. Read it because through it I think you’ll understand the human side of players better, and maybe even yourself.
Well said!! I battle those same depression demons on a daily basis and I am what many people would call successful. I am glad to know that I am not alone in some of those feelings. Thanks for your willingness to share that about yourself.
I adored Bullpen Gospels because there were parts that were hard to read in there too. Which showed me how you were willing to bear your soul & psyche and not just write funny locker room stories. You write and share with great balance and for that you will always be a favorite author (yes, Out of My League is pre-ordered!)
Now, as to the other things – some people just still cannot wrap their own brains around the fact that brains ARE different. Some are, ironically, wired to pretty much fuck with the body they command. Kinda of like some people have stomach issues, or joint issues..some people just have fucked up brain chemistry issues!
Yet somehow, even though it is totally accepted that you cannot just “get over” having diabetes or cancer or arthritis or any of the other “physical” ailments, there are those who think it is perfectly OK to demand that you “get over” you psychological (brain chemistry) issues. It’s absurd. We need people like you who are willing to talk about it so society can get beyond that stigma. It’s certainly much better than it was 30 years ago – but it is also still no where near where it needs to be.
And when you add celebrity or public/sports figure hero worship into the mix? Yikes!
Thank you.
Thank you, Dirk! Great post. In the past year I’ve known several men, all in their early 40s, all seemingly successful, who committed suicide. Depression sucks. Addiction sucks. And neither has any rhyme or reason to why it hits (well, maybe brain chemical reasons, but not reasons that have any objectivity to them, like, you have achieved x so therefore you should not be miserable). The only defense against these illnesses we have is acknowledging them so that what help there is can be had and so that the people who do love you can help look out for you when the sickness pulls too strongly. So I’m glad you’re talking about it, especially because men are less likely to talk about it than women are and are therefore more likely to do harm to themselves or others and at the very least suffer longer because they don’t get the help they need to deal with these devastating illnesses!
Just a recommendation for anyone, especially men, dealing with depression: The Royals radio/tv analyst Ryan Lefebvre wrote a book called “the Shame of Me” about his own depression and I think it’s a really great resource. It certainly helped me understand and accept what had happened with my friends instead of stewing in anger and confusion forever.
Anyway, rant is done. Thanks again for writing this!
Thank you so very much for your ever present insight and honesty. Soldier on my battle mate.
I cannot tell you how much it helps to hear that someone is having similar struggles. Thank you. Please continue to do your great work.
I hope it helps you to know that there are people who at least understand.
I wish you’d reach out to Josh for a conversation. I’ve seen him up close many times over the years and have always found him to be one of the most pleasant professional athletes I’ve ever known. I found you to be similar to him when it comes to interacting with fans. My guess is you could help each other out by sharing your life experiences. You’d probably end up being good friends.
Seriously.
Great post. Not to get to psychological about it, but I think the obsession with other people’s lives, especially famous people’s lives, allows us to not turn the spotlight on our own lives. It also provides an outlet to not deal with more important topics such as national debt, politics, war, etc (don’t get me wrong, disconnecting from the world is nice for a change, just not as a way of life).
Not sure you want to hear this, or will believe it, but everyone has their personal demons (remember, you are unique – just like everybody else). Not all the time, for most, but enough that the same question gets asked “What the f$#k is wrong with me? I’ve got so much and am still not happy/satisfied/fulfilled/motivated and prone to doing stupid/destructive things?” Don’t know there is an answer to the question other than whatever gets you over the hump and on to more productive/better thoughts is what needs attention. For me it’s faith sometimes, pulling out a picture of the kids to remember what’s good/pure in the world, exercising, or reading a post from a great writer/baseball player. Wimpy? Escapist? Trite? Maybe, but in the end who gives a rip if it works?
Can’t remember what the book was actually about, but the title The Sun Also Rises has always meant to me that no matter how bad things seem at a particular point, and even if I can’t imagine it’s going to get better, inevitably the sun does rise and life goes on. Somtimes that’s enough and more than you hoped for.
I love “Wishes Fulfilled” by Wayne Dyer – his latest book. It doesn’t have anything to do with depression, but it’s incredibly powerful to know how us as human beings can impact our own world.
P.S. I have your latest book in Toronto waiting for you to autograph it whenever you’re in town.
Dirk,
So happy to see you’ve written another book; “The Bullpen Gospels” was recommended by me to just about everyone I know when I read it. Can’t wait to read the new one.