Minor League Survival Tip #24—Learn How and When to Cheat
No no no—not steroids. I’m not talking about the kind of cheating wherein in you put your life in jeopardy. I’m talking about the kind of stuff that an umpire like Joe West would have a conniption about if he caught you doing it. The kind of stuff Gaylord Perry, Whitey Ford, or Joe Niekro used to do.
As the old saying goes, “if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying,” and while mommies the world over will line up to tell me what a bad role mode I am for telling this too you, the fact of the matter is, you aren’t trying.
Learning things like how to scuff a ball, increase your bat grip, hide your placement on the rubber (if you choose to be on it at all) and where to hide the Vaseline is as much cheating as Picasso licking his brush while painting is.
Cheating at baseball is an art from, encouraged by the very makeup of the game. You don’t have to be the biggest or strongest to play this sport, its a game for the scrappy, spirited, and smart. And the smart players find ways to even the odds. Furthermore, in it’s own special way, cheating artfully shows the world that you’re not just trying, but doing your damnedest to win.
A pitcher that knows what a ball does when it’s scuffed can make an average fastball into a 88mph ghost. Grow your hair out so you can store pomade on your curls and you can produce a sinker that will make scouts salivate. Kick dirt over the rubber and the umpire will never notice that you’re delivering from a foot in front of it, or six inches off the side.
Remember though, when you implement things that aren’t exactly rule book friendly you do run a risk of getting caught. This is why I don’t recommend you make a living off cheating unless you are good at it, and trust me, you can get really good at it.
Until then, know when to scuff a ball. Know when to go to that dollop of Firm Grip under your belt-loop. And know when to make it look like you’re cheating when you really aren’t—after all, putting the fear of it in someone’s mind is just as good as doing it.
Sure, you could get caught, but that’s part of the thrill. Besides, it teaches you how to detect other cheaters, and if you think pulling a fast one is fun, wait ’till you bust someone for “trying hard” against you.
Well said, Dirk…I’m not sure if anyone could call “rubber management” or “ball surface realignment” cheating. At best, they are minor competitive advantages…I challenge those who regard these acts as “cheating” to produce statistical data that proves that this kind of activity can do more than provide perpetual changes in behavior, or even change the outcome of a game. Remember, it was officially ruled that George Brett did have more than the ‘regulated’ amount of pine tar on his bat, but this was found to have no measurable impact on any balls put into play with said bat…so how can it be cheating?
At a Cubs/Reds game a few years ago at Wrigley, a young fan next to me caught a foul ball from Derrek Lee’s bat, pitched by Bronson Arroyo. After his initial awe, a puzzled look crawled across his face as he examined the ball. I looked over and noticed an array of ballpoint pen marks, dot-line, dot-line, dot-line in precise locations on the ball. The boy said to his father “what’s that?” His father said “well, I think he’s cheating”…I couldn’t let this go on, so I respectfully disagreed with his father, saying “no, he’s not…he’s augmenting his delivery just a little bit in order to get this batter to hit a ball that even you could field. Is that fair? Why not…just think if it was you, and you had to pitch to guys like that…”
Great fun. Could you get Kelly Shoppach some of that Firm Grip if it helps to keep a grip on the bat?
Dirk, below is a blog post I wrote a couple of years back in response to another advocate for cheating in pro ball. I enjoyed your book immensely and am truly disappointed in what you wrote. I am not a mommy, but I am a dad and a little league coach. Perhaps a guy has to have his own kids to understand my viewpoint. As you may read below, I think the consequence for cheating should be terminal.
I just watched the Fox Sports broadcast of the Mariners/Rangers game. I was appalled by the uninformative, opinionated whining of the broadcasters. Their grossly apparent lack of baseball expertise was matched only by their negativity toward players and coaches on both teams. What really took me by suprise however, was the advice given by one announcer (during a Rob Johnson at bat) that major league players who have trouble getting on base should decieve the umpire when brushed back by a pitch. To do this he advocated the batter should react as though hit by the pitch and vigorously rub an area of their body so it is reddened. He went on to argue with his partner that players should do anything necessary to get on base, even if they had to cheat. All this as I sat watching the game with my 2 little leage kids who are 8 and 12 years old. Fortunately what my kids also saw was Rob Johnson hit in the shoulder by a pitch (obvious in the slow motion replay). Due to the proximity to Rob’s bat, and his point of view, the umpire incorrectly called it a foul ball. Rob, being the tough, ethical role model that he is did not complain. He stepped back in and with the next pitch, got a base on balls. I think those announcers should be fired. And I believe any player who uses deception to get on base should be banned from baseball. That is my $.02 worth. Thanks for reading.
Well Pat, I understand you’re upset about me advocating the classic, luck creating, edge finding, getting it done any way a player can, cheating. But, I think you wanting people to get fired or banned form the game is over reacting. Baseball is not a moral utopia. It’s a game based on human judgement. Sometimes you can pull a fast one of the umps. Sometimes you can’t. Mental agility is as much a part of the game as anything else. A guy rubbing his arm to make it look like he got plunked is, well, smart! A player would be dumb not to argue the cause his way if the ruling is based on the umpire’s point of view. Shoot, I should have put that tip in my blog—thank you for bringing it up.
Look I don’t advocate steroids, or enhancements, but I do advocate being smarter than the other guy, and bending rules that require an umpire to pay attention to either catch you, or decide you’re doing something wrong. Force him to make the call. Just because Rob Johnson decided not to press the issue doesn’t make him an upstanding moral character, or role modle. And if someone uses Vaseline, (and I know my fair share) it doesn’t make them a terrible person. If kids have to rely on who uses pine tar and who doesn’t to learn the value of moral virtue, their lives are severely lacking.
I’m asking in theory for a friend who is doing research- how do you learn how to scuff a ball, hide vaseline and know when your supposed to hit a batter. Because, I’ve, I mean he’s asked some coaches and they always say you’ll learn about that stuff when your older.
During our umpires meeting this year, one of the MLB’s umps came in and told us that Umps don’t try and screw players, even those who show them, because they are accountable to cross examination instruments used to track the accuracy of their calls every game. Umpires are, or so he said, are supposed to maintain a 95% accuracy rating at all time. He said, because of these stringent numbers, they don’t and can’t [afford] to screw players. I called BS on it really quickly. Why? Because in the average game there are about 250 pitches thrown. That means that, if 95% is the safe number, there are about 12-13 solid opportunities to really screw a player you don’t like. As you know, it only takes one bad call to wreck a pitchers outing, or screw a hitters AB.
So it is with scuffing. You only need to use it a couple of times to really change a game. Make sense?